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prettyGrl209
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Name: Hilda
Location: California, United States
Birthday: 1/9/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: I will tell you if you chat with me
Expertise: ask me and i will tell you ^_~
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Cubicw86
Member Since:
9/24/2004
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| Life in California was filled with unnecessary drama. Well here's a synapse of what happened. unusual tension with parents, stalker issues, trying to understand to ex bf, professor issue, grades, what I'm suppose to do with my life, and everything. Its kind of funny but my old phone number 968-4440 does represent something, but I changed it. After changing number, I began to change. I remember i had a letter in my hand which is the pharmceidical interview. I ripped the interview apart, and ran away from California. You are right, I am coward. I can't fix the problems in cali so i ran to Boston to start a new life.
I dropped everything, even the boy that I had loved to come to Boston. I did this because I need to find myself. He is the world, but not my world. A couple of times I wonder why I ran to Boston, what driven to come here. Then I think back and i remember talking to a wise man in the library. His name was Tom and he advice me to get out there and really live life. Leave your parents, leave everything behind, and be independent. At first I thought it's too dangerous for me to leave, but now i think about it, it would be too dangerous for me to stay in cali. Sigh, cali is always gonna be a death trap to me. Aside from drama, I have to be fit in order to dodge accidents, man its like the universe decided to come together to destroy me.
I foud out that's not the case. The universe came together to save me. If I stayed in cali, i would be stuck in bottomless pit because there is nothing there for me but useless guys drooling over me. Trust me it was hard staying faithful to eric. At Harvard, it was differet, so god damn different. I was more focus and driven. Opportunities just fell from the sky and hit me like a bodozer to a building. Except that I didnt crash or die, but lived. Aside from opportunities, I met alot of cool people, professors, and friends.
I finally found myself, I'm a college student looking to become a pediatrician. I know that I had said that i rather be a pharmacist instead, but back then i was only looking for an easy way out. Little did i know there was no easy way out. Just go for what you are passionate about. Hahah made daddy mad because he don't want me to be a doctor. He wants me to be a pharmacist so i have more time with him. Gosh, he is a sweetheart, but he gotta stop being posessive. I'm glad that all is over, the attempted divorce and everything, man that was a roller coaster ride.
When I came back to california, my family moved to a new house. I'm glad we moved because the old house was haunted. I know because i heard noises and shiet, but oh well that's over thank god.
Hmm I looked at my wrist and happy to say no cuts or scars. I'm officially a non suicidal person. I don't cut myself and whatever out of fear. Safe and sound in an awsome apartment.
Hmm i have to say, the most exciting part about my life is this new guy I met. I know it's crazy that it's a distant thing and all, but he means alot to me. Unfortunately, I am in no position to love anyone. After what had happened in cali, I know that I can never love, but wtf he is soo hot and the whole package. I mean if i dont claim him, the ten other girls will, then i will miss my chance of dating this hot ass. Might as well learn to love. As the days go by, i found myself really trully and deeply inlove with him. Alot of times i had to hold myself back and say "watch it girl, it could be a trap." What can I say, I will never let my emotions get the best of me. From now on I am the cool calm collected individual, that only talk of love to get what she wants. ;) yuppers, no boy will have my heart. From now on I am DA PLAYER. Not only that, I'm not gonna love my parents too, cuz loving them will only lead to pain. Might as well use them for money.
Sigh I say all this not to be pessimistic but its just Im not ready to let my heart out to any guys or family. I dont believe in love being reciprocated. I mean yea he does say "i love you" and all that alot, but we all know he jsut trying to get some. He did get some thought, cuz i want some haha!! Hmm, i think its a good thing that i dont give him my heart because he does have a lot of opportunities. Its jsut if he decides to be rude or do something I dont like, atleast I wouldnt take it seriously, cuz I'm not inlove. Not yet that is, cuz Im da player and will always be. No more being lovey dovey, cuz that shiet just get me all depressed. Now its the new era called "SAY ANYTHING TO GET THE GUY SUCCESSFULLY." Yup that's right!! Hilda Wong will never love anyone not even her parents. No more waking up feeling like throwing up cuz of people doing me wrong which lead to major stress whatever. If my parents want a divorce, I'm gonna say "fuck go for it, it's about time."
Sigh as much as I say I don't love him, deep down i know I love him more than anything in the whole wide world. You know what I can't lie anymore. I'm not the Playa. I'm not all that. I'm human and vulnerable. He took my heart and my innocence. Its too hard, he no ordinary guy. He the key. The key to happiness. Have you ever read the book "White fang" about a wolf that have been abuse and a guy whose trying to earn his trust. That is what it looks like here. I'm an abused wolf and this love of my life is trying to earn my trust. He does love me, cuz i see it in his eyes. Sigh if he breaks my heart, i know I will be in bed for months, even though i be all in his saying "Leave, i dont care because i never loved u." but deep down i always love him from the first time I met him. I do tell myself to watch out, but i know that if i keep watching out I will never know what true happiness is. He is the one to change my world and everything. He is the one
BRANDON LUK YOU HAVE MY HEART. DONT BREAK IT!!!PLEASE
Hmm well i guess I should updating more now.
alrite gotta go study more mcat.BYEEE
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| sigh i dont know, this is bad for me, coming home every weekend and going back to uop.
Ppl, look forward for the weekend, well i see the weekend as going back to hell.
Dramas everwhere, and facing what i hated the most and yet i need them for my tuition.
Lucklily my dog cools me down. Sometimes i wonder if i could last, i mean hey i made it this long without cutting myself, so that's a pat on the back, but will it last. Its hella painful. I dont know what to do anymore, its like stuck in a ditch and cant get out.
i try ignoring, but the more i ignore the more painful it gets. Why, cuz they end up hurting me to get my attention. I cant take it anymore sometimes.
But there is a life lessons, ppl are gonna hate u no matter how perfect u are.
But worse part is, those ppl happen to be my parents.
GOing home is not really all bad, i get yummmmmy food, and play with doggy. sometimes my parents are nice and that do make me happy.
SIgh maybe its the past and still i can never forgive, what is wrong with me, i cant forgive anymore. Maybe its the edge of divorce that prompted me to think that they cant be trusted as cool loyal parents again, i dont know. I cant take this anymore. I wish i can just end my life right now, why am i afraid to die, what is so scary about taking that table knife and just end it. I mean if i can hold the pain of hurting myself why cant i hold the pain of just ending it.
this suck so much that i have to get xanga off my profile so i can just use it as a journal to rant. | | |
| Back at uop. Feeling tire and depress. sigh i dunno, i feel worse, its like i could just fucken hurt myself sooner or later, but oh well. For some reason i wasnt able to eat alot. Sigh
Yawn tire but dunt wanna sleep.
Hopefully i will be alrite soon. Hey the bright side is i could hang with mah baby. Plus i dunt think im a cutter anymore, im not sure!!
Feels like there's nowhere to go and hide, just a dead end. Should i just end it?
Anyways, i went to this website and saw dis funny thing
The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed. |
well I just read something online. I read stories about ppl. I dunno if im define as a cutter, but afterwards im happily to say that i am not defined as a cutter. I only cut myself due to depression 3 times and i wasnt addicted. I was able to stop. My scars werent that bad, it was light. Some blood came out but it wasnt bad. I neva commited actualy suicide like hangin or watever. So i guess im safe eh. Hehehehhe!! I did have a bunch of suicidal thoughts, but hey that is normal. I guess im not depress. Its probably me having a tough summer, ok maybe tough everything. Just me hanging in there, nothing depressing. Hmm i felt better after reading about other ppl's probs and how deep they cut, and how they commit their suicides. Hey i think im lucky that im not that bad, well guess i dunt need much but time heeh | | |
| Just gotta suffer this day, and tomorrow i will be free. Dang im tire of playing psychiatrist, why dunt they just divorce.
I dunt know why, but every morning i feel like i need to throw up. No im not pregnant, i checked. I'm just so exhausted. Its like staying at home with my family is worse than taking hard ass science courses at uop. Its just the atmosphere i guess and the arguemtns.
Oh yea, after playing psychiatrist for 4 straight days, i have come to the conclusion, that one parent is going through mid life crisis, while the other is stupid, arrogant, and mean. Actually i think both of them are going through mid life crisis, stupid, arrogant, and mean.
Being with my family is like going to war. I'm always on the battlefield, being shot at. THe hostility, the cruelty, and the hatred are all bottled up and waiting to explode. I bet not even the best psychiatrist in da whole wide world can handle us. Well i know for one thing, the battle is between my dad and my mom, Im just the spectator.
Its getting worse these 4 days. Hmmmm i guess if it werent for me, dad would of left, damn me, why did i stop the divorce.
FOur years during highschool, was shameful betrayal, now that im in college, its war. OMG when will the insanity end. Even when i try to leave, they suck me back in. I cant go anywhere with my friends anymore, cuz i would get phone call saying "im mad at ur mom and i need to have a in depth convo" or "I hate your father, i need to talk" hahahhaha geez, grow up guys. Oh this is a funny one, "im stalking u cuz ur with a guy with a cap on all the time."
SIgh, no wonder why im gonna run away after college, this is too much for me. Wanna know what's funny. "Oh hilda when u decided to have kids, let us babysit them, we love kids." Ya rite!!
My life is worse than the life of "Malcomn in the Middle"
Oh my gosh total imrovement, im not cutting myself anymore :) or tried to kill myself like last year, yay me!! | | |
| Just today and tomorrow, then i will be back to uop. I cant wait, its too depressing here. And i know something bad is gonna happen this two day. Im so exhausted. I took pills this morning cuz i was feeling nausous. Last night sucked so bad, all i could hear is yelling and screaming and constant argument. SIgh, its all gonna be over soon, hopefully.
Anyways, for some reason im pretty happy now, even though everything happened so fast im pretty happy. Who knows what's gonna happen, maybe there wouldnt be a divorce, who knows. I guess i should just let things happen and try to be happy about it.
Hmmmmmmmm, seems like it would be a good day today, who knows. I hope there's no bad surprises hahahhahah | | |
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